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| Cezanne |
I am awakened by the rising sun through the window. I turn over wanting Lily as usual, but she is not there. This is strange. She must have gotten up, and she probably went to the big house, the one of my parents. When I gave them the first 50,000 they built the house they had always wanted. My father built much of it with his own hands, using help from his neighbors and friends, and stone building materials available locally. It is typical of the area. Not really large, but comfortable. Their old cottage where I grew up is now where Lily and I have been staying.
I dress and walk up to the house, entering the kitchen quietly. Lily and my mother are preparing food. Lily is plucking a chicken and the feathers are in a pile on the table. She turns and sees me and says, “I seem to have an affinity for feathers,” and then laughs softly and huskily, looking into my eyes.
“Lily,” and I gaze at her in this unexpected activity she is participating in. Her eyes widen, grow dark and her body trembles and convulses slightly and I immediately see what is happening. I close the distance between us, take her hand and say, “Come. I want to show you something.”
Outside the door I push her up against the side of the house and hold her tight. My left hand is around her neck holding the side of her face into my neck and shoulder and my right hand cups her ass hard and I pull her to me. She feels my desire and shivers, shudders and convulses again. I hold her as tight as I can.
“Lily, Lily, what have I done to you. I am sorry, so sorry. But really I am not. To see you express this level of desire for me is overwhelming. I feel so complete. To hold you like this is more than I had ever dreamed I could feel.”
“When you came in and said my name I just dissolved. It was as if you were in me telling me ‘wait, wait, wait’ and I could not. I am still shuddering for you this minute. I cannot contain the feelings. I cannot hold them in and pretend I am not feeling them. They are too strong, too strong.”
I pick her up and carry her to the rustic bench under the trees and hold her, murmuring and kissing her throat, her face, her arms, and I do not stop. She clings to me, holding me as if she will never let me go. If she does, I won’t let her.
“Did you know about this? Have you ever…..?” She stops, becomes quiet and just looks into my eyes.
“Yes and no,” I say.
“How?” Tell me.
“It began when I was a child. Of course my friends and I were typical boys, we indulged in some bestial sex and soon got around to wondering about doing it with each other. We were too young for girls unless we could find an older girl who would show us how. So we wanted to be experienced and played at it with each other.
“Of course it was very intense in feeling, but we dared not let on and show that we felt that much. So we laughed, joked around, and pretended it was not a momentous thing. I, of course, would never have admitted what I felt, but then I also realized then that our fathers had done the same with their friends, before they found girls and grew out of it. It was like a secret that no one could admit even to themselves, but that bound the boys and men together the rest of their lives. The fact that they had enjoyed each other.
“To escape all this rustic poverty and uneventful life, I went into the military and I saw it there, but with young men it had changed in significance. Some men indulged but were very secretive about it. I could see which ones just by observing them with each other in off duty times. I held myself aloof from it.
“Then when I went to Algeria, saw the Middle East, became acquainted with a different culture, it was clear to me how adolescent boys and even men had relationships with each other that were sexual. None of them seemed troubled by it or even tried to hide it. Naturally I was curious as I had remembered how I felt when an adolescent.
“I became friends with a young Arab man and we smoked hashish together and then one time we drifted into sex with each other. It was pure pleasure, with no feelings of tying oneself to another, just an indulgent pleasure each could give the other. It was a different experience. No guilt when contemplating it and no need to have to have that person, to keep that person. Just simple pleasure. When we separated, it was without any sorrow or loss, just two friends having to say goodbye when I left the area.
“The women there were either unavailable or prostitutes. There was nothing in between. You could not be friends with a woman, spend any time with her. If you were with her, then you must be having sex.
Of course the prostitutes were very experienced in ways western women are not. They have been cut genitally when they enter puberty to control their sexuality. To compensate, they develop their internal muscles in such a way as to enhance the man’s pleasure while intensifying their own. It is very subtle and very effective. Belly dancing and The Dance of the Seven Veils derive from this practice.
Of course the prostitutes were very experienced in ways western women are not. They have been cut genitally when they enter puberty to control their sexuality. To compensate, they develop their internal muscles in such a way as to enhance the man’s pleasure while intensifying their own. It is very subtle and very effective. Belly dancing and The Dance of the Seven Veils derive from this practice.
“When I returned to Paris I was intent on making something of myself and despairing that I would be able to do so. Such erotic things were far from my mind and what little contact I had with women was with typical prostitutes in Paris.
“When I entered the social scene I found women were available to me. I had a few mistresses and Clo, a delightful creature from Bohemia, light and fun, and adventurous began to try to initiate me into anal eroticism. And it was then I saw how intense it was for the woman. Clo became wildly enthusiastic, but not too long after I found my wife cheating on me, cuckholding me in fact, and I set her up with her lover, caught her with witnesses, and divorced her. Then I ruined her lover with journalistic articles and he had to resign from his government post.
Right after that I kidnapped Suzanne, with her exuberant help, and married her. Clo was furious and we terminated our affair in a rather brutal way I am ashamed of. I don’t want secrets from you Lily, but neither do I want to tell you all the details. If you need to hear them I will. Do you?”
Right after that I kidnapped Suzanne, with her exuberant help, and married her. Clo was furious and we terminated our affair in a rather brutal way I am ashamed of. I don’t want secrets from you Lily, but neither do I want to tell you all the details. If you need to hear them I will. Do you?”
“No, no, I don’t. This is almost too much. It’s that I want to hear, but I don’t want to listen to you say it.
"How is it that you are a Baron? Your parents are simple, hard working, not nobility?"
"Madeleine wanted a title. She planned how we were going to do it before we married, so she could have my title, our title, on the wedding announcements. My title is completely fabricated. It is a pretend title, but without it the Duchess of Beltshire would never have confided in me about you, and she would never have assisted me as she did. Any you, my darling, would not have been nearly so impressed."
"It did not matter to me, but it mattered greatly to my so called friends in New York. they stamped on each other's toes to have outlandish events, so as to impress you with their invitations."
"And the only thing that impressed me was you."
"Tell me more."
"How is it that you are a Baron? Your parents are simple, hard working, not nobility?"
"Madeleine wanted a title. She planned how we were going to do it before we married, so she could have my title, our title, on the wedding announcements. My title is completely fabricated. It is a pretend title, but without it the Duchess of Beltshire would never have confided in me about you, and she would never have assisted me as she did. Any you, my darling, would not have been nearly so impressed."
"It did not matter to me, but it mattered greatly to my so called friends in New York. they stamped on each other's toes to have outlandish events, so as to impress you with their invitations."
"And the only thing that impressed me was you."
"Tell me more."
“On my wedding day Clo was in the reception line greeting me and we both knew we would start up again. We did. Suzanne was pregnant almost immediately and her mother, Madame Walter, influenced her to be chaste while she was carrying a child. She acquiesced to her mother’s advice concerning pregnancy.”
“Were you ever……. I mean…..with Virginie?”
“Virginie! You call her Virginie!”
“Yes. She asked me to do so, when we are alone with each other. She said it was more fitting in front of Tav and when we discussed him. Do you mind?”
“No. Of course not. I am astonished. She has not spoken to me once since she found out I was marrying her daughter. I cannot believe she is any more forgiving of you for taking her place.”
“I don’t think she thinks of it like that. But you didn’t answer my question. But maybe I should not have asked it.”
“Lily, you can ask me anything you want to know. Yes. Yes, Madame Walter and I had an affair. She was obsessed with me. I could not find a way out of it. Her obsession was tiring, then almost frightening, she was so hysterical. I had no idea how I would ever break with her, and her husband was my employer. But when I married Suzanne it all became settled very abruptly.”
“Yes. I see that it would,” Lily said.
“Do you hate me for this?”
“I can’t even imagine how or what hating you would be. How could I? I don’t think it would be possible. If you found someone else, then I still could not. How could I deny you what you wanted. You have given me everything because you have given me yourself.
Besides,” and Lily smiles radiantly, “I still have your heart in a safe and secret place, so how could you possibly find it to give to another?” and she laughs lightly. “It is no longer in my hand where you might be able to pry it from me.”
Besides,” and Lily smiles radiantly, “I still have your heart in a safe and secret place, so how could you possibly find it to give to another?” and she laughs lightly. “It is no longer in my hand where you might be able to pry it from me.”
“It is yours forever. My heart will never belong to anyone else.” And then I think of Tav and our coming child and I have to revise my thoughts.
“What are you thinking?”
“That you will have to make some of it available for our children. Will you?”
“Oh,” she says, “oh, yes, I will, I will,” and she holds me even tighter. "Please, please, promise me...."
"What. Promise you what?"
"Please," Lily says.
"Anything. Just tell me. Anything."
"I want to give birth to our baby here, here in the country, where your parents are. Here. I want you to deliver our baby. You."
"NO," I scream, "no, you cannot here. This is not the safest place for you. I cannot do that. I am not a doctor. ! No, a thousand no's!"
"You promised. Anything."
"Yes, but I had no idea!"
"You didn't add any conditions."
Oh my god, she has done it again, completely boxed me between Scylla and Charybdis. She always does this. I can never win with her. I know she will have her way and I cannot bear it. Now I must be careful.
"Look Lily," I say, "it would be too dangerous. I have no experience. I cannot risk you. I could not survive it if anything happened to you. Please, don't ask this of me. I cannot. You need to be in Paris. With trained doctors and nurses, just in case."
"But they won't let you be there for me. You will have to wait outside and I can't bear that."
"But they are experts. You will be taken care of by the best."
"Suzanne died, didn't she? Didn't she have the best?"
Oh god, she has me. I cannot refute her logic. I know now she will have her way.
"I will find expert midwives here. They will deliver you."
"You must be with me. Only you can help me. But you may have them there just to feel more comfortable yourself. But you have to be right by my side, right with me the whole time. Promise me you won't leave me for a minute. Promise! Promise me now while I have you!"
"Yes. You have my word. I could not have it otherwise."
"And you have delivered foals and lambs and calves, so you are not inexperienced."
"My god, Lily,They are animals, they are different from our child."
"No, no they are not. Really they are not."
"I promise. I will not leave your side."
As if anything could tear me away.
"What. Promise you what?"
"Please," Lily says.
"Anything. Just tell me. Anything."
"I want to give birth to our baby here, here in the country, where your parents are. Here. I want you to deliver our baby. You."
"NO," I scream, "no, you cannot here. This is not the safest place for you. I cannot do that. I am not a doctor. ! No, a thousand no's!"
"You promised. Anything."
"Yes, but I had no idea!"
"You didn't add any conditions."
Oh my god, she has done it again, completely boxed me between Scylla and Charybdis. She always does this. I can never win with her. I know she will have her way and I cannot bear it. Now I must be careful.
"Look Lily," I say, "it would be too dangerous. I have no experience. I cannot risk you. I could not survive it if anything happened to you. Please, don't ask this of me. I cannot. You need to be in Paris. With trained doctors and nurses, just in case."
"But they won't let you be there for me. You will have to wait outside and I can't bear that."
"But they are experts. You will be taken care of by the best."
"Suzanne died, didn't she? Didn't she have the best?"
Oh god, she has me. I cannot refute her logic. I know now she will have her way.
"I will find expert midwives here. They will deliver you."
"You must be with me. Only you can help me. But you may have them there just to feel more comfortable yourself. But you have to be right by my side, right with me the whole time. Promise me you won't leave me for a minute. Promise! Promise me now while I have you!"
"Yes. You have my word. I could not have it otherwise."
"And you have delivered foals and lambs and calves, so you are not inexperienced."
"My god, Lily,They are animals, they are different from our child."
"No, no they are not. Really they are not."
"I promise. I will not leave your side."
As if anything could tear me away.
