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Twilight: Irresistible Destiny
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As she sank into sleep I kept holding her, gradually turning her around to face me, slowly touching her ever so lightly. I was feeling her tolerance, her limits to her awareness of me while she was asleep and I learned how to touch her all over without waking her. I heard only murmurs that excited me. I felt myself get hard as I listened to her, her changes in breathing pattern, her mumbled words, and sometimes her fluttering eyes under her eyelids to tell me she was dreaming.
And I felt such love for her, such desire for her that I wanted to shake her awake and make love to her all over again.
So I quieted down, closed my eyes, and very slowly began to enter her. With every movement she whimpered and threatened to wake up so I stopped until she quieted. When I was sure she was deep in sleep again I went deeper, and when she moved I stopped until she breathed deeply again. This went on until I was all the way inside her, hard and almost unable to contain myself. I held still until I could stand it, relax and breathe with her.
I focused my entire mind on the feeling of her and our breathing, as I synchronized mine with hers. And then my mind began to float. I wasn't asleep and I wasn't awake, I was somewhere else, somewhere familiar and strange. I held her as securely as I could without waking her. I touched her face and breasts and thighs and stomach and oh god I wanted to feel us joined like this.
So I did.
Sometime during the night I started to sleep and began to slide out of her, but I awakened myself and moved to feel her again, feel the way she affected me, and all thoughts of deep sleep were gone. As soon as I could quiet myself again I began to travel again. Through the dark, through time, somewhere I had been and yet had never been. And it was then I felt her quiver deep inside. All her organs were slightly quivering and she caught her breath.
What was she dreaming now? Her eyes were moving her eyelids now. She was dreaming, but of who and what was she dreaming? I felt intensely jealous.
Then I felt her grow quieter, more controlled, less susceptible to my movements. This I did not like at all, but I waited to see and hear what would happen next. Her foot kicked. She chuckled ironically, insultingly. And tried to turn over in her sleep, but I held her fast.
Gradually she breathed in synch with me again and moved in response to me. It was getting towards dawn now and I wanted her bad. I had played with my desire all night long and I had been ready all night long. But oh, the journey had been so beautiful.
Now I have more of a feeling and knowing where we are and what has been planned for us and what we will do about that.
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What a pleasure to caress a woman without waking her! Simply to be for her a paradoxical dream in which her body alone would find pleasure. What obscure desire in her to be violated without knowing it?
With every woman, one would love to possess her without her being aware of it, leaving her free to take her pleasure without our knowing it.
He was probably still capable of awakening her with his roughness. So he thought; but his heart did not rise to the challenge. (Baudrillard - Cool Memories III - 21)
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Only the play of destiny is interesting, but it isn’t a religious fate we’re talking about. It means simply that, as against cause-and-effect logic, the event is there first..(Paroxysm 47)
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EPOV
As she sank into sleep I kept holding her, gradually turning her around to face me, slowly touching her ever so lightly. I was feeling her tolerance, her limits to her awareness of me while she was asleep and I learned how to touch her all over without waking her. I heard only murmurs that excited me. I felt myself get hard as I listened to her, her changes in breathing pattern, her mumbled words, and sometimes her fluttering eyes under her eyelids to tell me she was dreaming.And I felt such love for her, such desire for her that I wanted to shake her awake and make love to her all over again.
So I quieted down, closed my eyes, and very slowly began to enter her. With every movement she whimpered and threatened to wake up so I stopped until she quieted. When I was sure she was deep in sleep again I went deeper, and when she moved I stopped until she breathed deeply again. This went on until I was all the way inside her, hard and almost unable to contain myself. I held still until I could stand it, relax and breathe with her.
I focused my entire mind on the feeling of her and our breathing, as I synchronized mine with hers. And then my mind began to float. I wasn't asleep and I wasn't awake, I was somewhere else, somewhere familiar and strange. I held her as securely as I could without waking her. I touched her face and breasts and thighs and stomach and oh god I wanted to feel us joined like this.
So I did.
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| Akhmatova - Modigliani |
What was she dreaming now? Her eyes were moving her eyelids now. She was dreaming, but of who and what was she dreaming? I felt intensely jealous.
Then I felt her grow quieter, more controlled, less susceptible to my movements. This I did not like at all, but I waited to see and hear what would happen next. Her foot kicked. She chuckled ironically, insultingly. And tried to turn over in her sleep, but I held her fast.
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| Hamlet and Ophelia - Louise Bourgeois |
Now I have more of a feeling and knowing where we are and what has been planned for us and what we will do about that.
